Written By Steven Hill Karma Hill Photography
So you dream of eloping in Hawaii but don’t know how to tell your family they're not invited? Rock, meet hard place. The good news is that you’re not alone!
Over the last decade, eloping has surged in popularity and may soon dethrone the quintessential white wedding. In a recent survey by Helzberg Diamonds, a staggering 91% of Millennials said they’d consider an elopement in lieu of a traditional ceremony. So as you go about the scary task of telling your family you are eloping, know that thousands of others are navigating their own labyrinths of delicate feelings and hurt egos alongside you. We interviewed eloping couples who broke the elopement news to their family. Below we share what we found out and our step-by-step guide on how to break the news to your family.
STEP 1: SEE ELOPING THROUGH YOUR FAMILY’S EYES
My mother told me that it technically was not "eloping" because we told her about it and since we were having a "ceremony" on the beach, it was an actual wedding that we were not inviting her to.
Times are changing rapidly - just a generation ago elopements were strictly a viva Las Vegas type of deal (think Elvis impersonator in a disco-themed church). It was something a couple did in spite of their families and often in the spur of the moment. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary even defines eloping as running away secretly with the intention of getting married usually without parental consent.
KARMA HILL PHOTOGRAPHY
So if your parents grew up around this stigma, just the term “eloping” can stir up thoughts of rebellion, an ominous big thumbs-down to their parental guidance. They may jump to the conclusion that you’re not just rejecting the white wedding... you’re also rejecting them.
Walking down the aisle to give a child away is one of those “traditional” cornerstones of parenting. Your folks may have envisioned your wedding day from the moment you took your first step, just as they envisioned your first tooth and your college graduation. They may have dreamed of this day as often as you have possibly even more.
So, before you bring up the big word, try to see where your parents might be coming from. This way, you’ll be better prepared for an honest conversation.
STEP 2: TELL YOUR PARENTS IN PERSON
I told everyone I was eloping in person and directly. They were all very understanding.
In this Twitter day and age, it’s easy to get caught up in the moment and send out a text message that should have been delivered face-to-face. It might be tempting to write out a beautifully articulated letter or send a detailed email to break the news but remember that textual communication is one sided. Your parents won’t be able to respond until they’ve read through what you’ve penned. The last thing you want is for them to feel muted or overlooked.
Announcing it face-to-face (or via FaceTime) puts your parents on an equal playing field and gives you an opportunity to gauge their reactions, allowing you time to adjust your approach accordingly.
STEP 3: EXPLAIN WHY ELOPING IN HAWAI’I MEANS SO MUCH TO YOU
Eloping, for us, meant that our focus could be entirely on one another, with no distractions, and that felt like the most beautiful and intimate way to start the next phase of our life together.
Explain to your parents why you think a Hawaii elopement is the obvious best choice.
✦ It’s the financially savvy thing to do.
✦ There’s far less stress and planning involved than a traditional wedding ✦ With a destination elopement it’s possible to get your ceremony and honeymoon all wrapped into one personalized package. No matter how good your reasoning, your parents still may not be on the same page or even the same book. Clarify what an elopement means to you and explain the reasons why you feel it’s the perfect fit. Here’s some insight from our couples at Simple Maui Wedding to get you started: ✦All we had to do was decide where and when, and then we just showed up. Easy! ✦There’s no stress! No large, traditional wedding to plan. ✦You can actually enjoy each other on your day! ✦An Elopement meant we didn’t have to tap into our savings. ✦For less than the cost of a full wedding, we could have an intimate, meaningful ceremony in a breathtaking setting with an amazing photography team
STEP 4: LET THEM HELP WITH THE ELOPEMENT PROCESS
Let them be a part of the process beforehand so they can be a part of your joy leading up to your ceremony.
The fear of becoming obsolete may be one of your parents secret worries. You’re getting married and diving into the next chapter of your life. Meanwhile, they’re getting older and possibly feeling less and less involved and on top of that, they just discovered they won’t be attending your wedding in Hawaii.
Make it clear you still need them and want them in your life. Give your parents opportunities to offer their advice and guidance. They have a lot of tried- and-true wisdom to share! (But be sure to only ask if you genuinely want to use their feedback.) If you plan to wear a gown, ask one of them to join you as you shop for the one. Or ask for advice on what to say in your vows. Do they think it should be a morning or sunset wedding? Should you hire a videographer or keep it to just a photographer?
If you ask for input (even if it’s just on the small things), the likelihood of your parents feeling rejected is lessened—they'll miss the ceremony, but they won’t miss out on the heartwarming sensation of being your guide.
STEP 5: MAKE THEM A (SMALL) PART OF THE EVENT:
We called them right before the ceremony and they were so happy to hear from us. They won’t be there in person, but maybe they can be there in spirit. Consider making your parents a small part of your Big Day. You could pose with a Just Married craft they made for you. You could bring along a framed photo of them and set it up in an entertaining way during the portrait session. Or you can ask your planner to livestream the event. Subtly including your parents in the ceremony or photo session takes five minutes and could make a world of difference.
However, don’t feel pressured to use a method that doesn’t feel comfortable for you. Most of our couples opted out of live-streaming the event because they wanted to be present with each other rather than having FaceTime in the back of their minds. Sometimes just a simple phone call is enough.
Likewise, other services and ideas can help bridge the distance. You can hire a videographer or carefully craft a wedding journal to share, and handwritten letters or postcards make a wonderful surprise gift to find in the mailbox.
Share the details of your elopement through honest documentation. Your parents (and future you!) will be glad you did. Karma of Karma Hill Photography recommends, an album as a thank you gift to your close relatives will give them a tangible piece of your day to hold on to. Another great idea is to play a slideshow of your wedding photos at a gathering back home.
Likewise, other services and ideas can help bridge the distance. You can hire a videographer or carefully craft a wedding journal to share, and handwritten letters or postcards make a wonderful surprise gift to find in the mailbox.
Share the details of your elopement through honest documentation. Your parents (and future you) will be glad you did.
STEP 6: PROMISE TO DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT
Explain to your family/friends that you will have beautiful photos to share afterwards and that will help ease the pain for them.
A picture is worth a thousand words and may even help bridge the span of a thousand miles. If there was one elopement expense that should never be spared, it’s a quality photographer. Without vivid images, your Special Day will be left up to the imagination, and there’s no amount of storytelling that can paint that picture in their minds. Promise your parents you’ll return with gorgeous photos they can hang on their walls.
Karma of Karma Hill Photography recommends, an album as a thank you gift to your close relatives will give them a tangible piece of your day to hold on to. Another great idea is to play a slideshow of your wedding photos at a gathering back home.
STEP 7: PLAN AN AFTER PARTY... SOMETHING!
If we ever renew our vows, then I will definitely include my family and friends.
Give your parents something to look forward to and plan an after-the- elopement celebration. It doesn’t have to be a giant reception. It could be a barbecue with just your closest family and friends or even an intimate family dinner. Whatever it is, don’t leave it up to the spur of the moment. Choose a date, confirm with your parents and friends so they can mark it on the calendar. Ideally, this will be face-to-face, but if distance is an issue, consider marking two dates: one for a FaceTime peek-in or Zoom call and another for when you’ll be together in person. Treat it like a holiday. This will be your parents’ special time to hear all the details and share in your joy. Over the course of your elopement trip, mention this day whenever you speak with them: I can’t wait to see you next month and tell you all about it! When the day finally comes, bring along those wedding photos and have a collection of fun elopement stories ready to go. No matter what, always remember, this is your wedding, and you deserve the wedding of your dreams. In closing take this excellent advice from one of Simple Maui Wedding’s eloping brides:
“Weddings are very emotional for everyone, and so my advice for people considering an elopement would be to not get caught up in how their decisions affect others. Ultimately, the experience is about you as a couple.” WEDDING VENDOR SPOTLIGHT PHOTOGRAPHY & WEDDING PLANNING WITH STEVEN HILL KARMA HILL PHOTOGRAPHY Steven Hill Karma Hill Photography
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